Advice Questions about Feeling Down:

• For the past couple of weeks, I've been bruising myself. I'm so sad, and it feels like it helps. I keep trying to stop, but whenever I get really depressed it starts all over again. I don't want to tell anyone, because they'd treat me different, and they'd want me to go on anti-depression drugs, and want me to go see a shrink, and I don't want to go within 100 feet of either of them. What do I do?

• My dog passed away a week ago. She got hit by a car and she was only 1 year old. I'm devastated because she was mostly mine. I cried for 2 days straight. Then I cry here and there randomly and it REALLY hurts. I feel so alone and I don't know who to talk to. I talked to the school counselor but now I feel ten times worse. I'm so alone. It feels so weird without her and without a pet. PLEASE help me!

• My mom is making me switch schools. The school I’m at now isn't very nice but the one my mom is making me go to is a lot nicer. I want to go there but I will miss my friends. I want to graduate with my friends and classmates that have been there with me for 6 years. Is there anything I can do? Please help me. I am really sad.

• I always have nothing to do at my house. It's either going online talking with my friends or just watching TV. Are there any fun activities that I can do IN my house?

• My older brother has left for Iraq and my older sister, who Im really close to, has left for Texas. I feel so sad because I have no one to look up to. When Ive had problems I would tell them and they would give me great advice. But now that theyre not here I feel sad and cry a lot because I cant handle all the stress everybody is putting on me. I dont know what to doIm so confused and so hurt inside!

• I feel like I am really ugly. My older sister always gets all the guys. And nobody likes me. I hate going into the bathroom because there is a mirror in there, and every time I look at the mirror I feel even worse. Every time I look at it, I start to cry a bit, but I have learned how to push tears back now. I dont want to tell anyone, though. I just want to feel better about myself.

• I'm really depressed! I just moved from my home in Massachusetts to California, and I'm still getting adjusted. All my friends here don't get me, and my friends in Massachusetts understand, but it's hard to keep in contact because of the time difference. I have headaches all the time, and I'm always really depressed now. I'm not that smart, pretty, or athletic, and the guy I have a crush on in school thinks I'm 'funny.' What should I do?

• I haven't been thinking straight lately. I'm 11 years old and turning 12 soon. I'm very afraid of growing up and facing hard challenges. I don't know what to do. I'm turning into a nervous wreck. What do I do?

• I am in eighth grade and recently I am having a lot of trouble with choosing a career. It is difficult for me because I am naturally good at a vast majority of things. I also just went through a depression and I am struggling with a lot of things at the moment. Can you possibly help?

  HREF="feeling_down4.html#a" onmouseOver="imgOver('go14','on'); return true;" onmouseOut="imgOver('go14','off'); return true;">My grandma just recently died, and I didn't notice how much I missed her until she passed away. I want to do something that will make her be remembered by everybody, but I don't know what to do. Have you got any advice?

• My room is always a pig sty! What can I do to keep my room clean and have fun at the same time?

• My dad and I both want me to play guitar. I was really excited to start playing it and the first day, I was enjoying it. Then came the next day and I said, Ill practice tomorrow The next day I said the same thing, and the next day, and the next day! I get so stressed out because I know that I should practice and I want to practice, but it just doesnt happen. Im afraid to tell my dad because the first time I was playing he said, I hope this isnt something youre just gonna throw away because you got bored, you have to be committed, and I said, Okay. Im afraid he'll be disappointed with me. Its my fault too, because I spend most of my day playing games on the computer watching TV, or playing video games with my friends. I just dont know what to do because Im never ever committed to anything. Please, Im in desperate need of advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• In books and movies, I have a weird tendency to like the villain better than the hero. Is this unusual? Also, does that make ME a villain?

• Today my dog died. He's been with me my whole life and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. He was a black Lab and never hurt a fly. He was in pain and died this morning at 5:30 a.m. He was 100 years old in people years but IML, I don't know how to get over it! Can you help me?

• It seems like anything I do is never enough. I get straight A's except one B all year, so I don't get honor roll. I get an awesome time when running track, but so did 6 other people, so I don't get recognized for it. I've worked hard all year with my friends in every honors class, but I'm still average. I work as hard as possible, and the teacher can see it so she grades harder and I still don't get a 100. I know there's always going to be someone better and my accomplishments won't matter. This may sound dumb, but it's how I feel when award ceremonies come around and I don't get anything from anything I do.

• Im a triplet, but Ive just been downsized to a twin. My sister died a month ago, and its been really hard on me and my twin brother. We try to talk a lot, but its really hard, because we feel so guilty. It should have been one of us that died because my sister was the strongest triplet. I hate myself for not being the one who died, because she died of a heart complication that I might have too. I dont want to hang with friends or even have fun at all because I feel so guilty.

• OK, I am a girl and all, but I am a total...well, I guess a tomboy. I read the same comics that every boy at school does. I have the tomboyish clothes, too. I dont try being like this, it just comes naturally. But I find myself hiding that fact, and I don't even know why! Like at school, I talk 'girlier' than my real voice, dress preppier, talk about more girly stuff, and hang out more with girls when I have many male friends! WHY?

• I am 11 and for almost a year I am scared to spend the night away from home. At first, I wouldn't even leave the house without my mom, then I got a little better. I would go with my brothers and sisters and then finally after a while, I would go places without my mom. But I am still scared to stay the night at a friend's house. I get worried that I'm gonna miss my mom or my home. A lot of times I think, 'Okay, I'm gonna stay now,' but I never do. Please help me!!! Will I ever get over it? Can you give me step-by-step tips on how I can improve it? Please help.

• Ever since we got robbed I never want to stay home alone, but now I have to do it a lot! I'm still a little scared about freaky noises! When my brothers see that, they think theres something wrong so they get scared too. Ive mostly gotten over my fear, but sometimes my brothers say to my Mom that they hate staying alone with me, and that makes me look like a bad babysitter. What do I do?

• I hate growing up! It is so difficult. Having all of these social problems, changing...ugh! I have also been having serious stress. I ache and I am tired. Maybe from schoolwork and friends, I dont know. What is the best way to deal with growing up? How can you make it easier?

• I'm so annoyed at school and at home because of my 'perfect at everything' best friend. She's the smartest kid in the grade, good at sports, can play the violin, flute and piano really well, and very creative at everything. But when she gets a 94% quiz back, she says she did a horrible job at it and that I probably got better than her when she knows I didn't. I feel like I have no friends and what makes it worse is that my little sister is sooooo popular, even though she's only in 5th grade, got asked out 8 times, is perfect, and makes fun of me. I am soooo depressed and feel like an ugly, stupid, not-good-at-anything kind of person with no friends.

• "I'm feeling really stupid these days. I've been trying really hard in school, but I'm not doing well. My parents are disappointed in me and I don't want them to think I'm dumb. My sister is really smart and that makes it even worse. I don't know what to do to feel better."

• "Lately, Ive been sad a lot...Im just having a lot of pain and sometimes, I have thoughts about hurting myself in some way."

Dear IML,
I always have nothing to do at my house. It's either going online talking with my friends or just watching TV. Are there any fun activities that I can do IN my house?
--Zoe

Dear Zoe,
I totally see where you are coming from. It is often really difficult for young people these days to come up with ideas on what to do at home that do not include the Internet or TV. However, there are plenty of activities to choose from once you think about it. You could read, play cards, do an art project, or if you play an instrument, work on that (or maybe take up an instrument!). You could also get the whole family involved and play board games, cook, or start making a scrapbook. I hope you find something fun to do!
--Joy, IML Mentor

Zoe,
Sometimes I feel the same way; home is a place that you're so used to being in, there doesn't seem to be anything new or exciting to do. I think the best advice I can offer you is to start fun projects. Redecorate your room, cook a gourmet dinner, start a little garden. I know that sometimes I'm so caught up with wanting to spend time with my friends that I just sorta forget to put aside some time to be by myself, I really recommend doing things that can give you time to reflect on yourself, and maybe develop a great hobby that you love. Just remember that even though it's really fun to be talking to friends and feel like they're always by your side, it's important to have alone time too!
--Stormie, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
My older brother has left for Iraq and my older sister, who Im really close to, has left for Texas. I feel so sad because I have no one to look up to. When Ive had problems I would tell them and they would give me great advice. But now that theyre not here I feel sad and cry a lot because I cant handle all the stress everybody is putting on me. I dont know what to doIm so confused and so hurt inside!
--Melissa, 13

From Josephine Schiff, school social worker, Northern New Jersey

Dear Melissa,
Being sad stinks. Missing someone you love stinks even more. And being forced to make changes in your life when you are not ready is the ultimate kick in the pants. When something collapses under too much stress, like a building, it 'implodes'. The difference between you and a building is that you have a brain. Instead of letting your grief and sadness take over, you can use your brain to help you to move forward. Your sibs can still give you advice -- it might take longer and you might have to talk faster, but they're still there. Give yourself some time -- life has a way of rearranging itself. Keep busy; the more involved you get in any kind of activity that interests you, the better chance you will have of meeting someone you might admire. And congratulations for writing to IML! This shows me that you are willing to advocate for yourself and ask for help when you need it! Good luck.

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Dear IML,
I feel like I am really ugly. My older sister always gets all the guys. And nobody likes me. I hate going into the bathroom because there is a mirror in there, and every time I look at the mirror I feel even worse. Every time I look at it, I start to cry a bit, but I have learned how to push tears back now. I dont want to tell anyone, though. I just want to feel better about myself.
--Alena, 10

Dear Alena,
It sounds like you're feeling really self-conscious and lack a lot of confidence. It's really hard to be happy in a society like ours where people are always stressing how you look and appearances rather than reality. It is really important that you realize your self-worth and that it is not what's on the outside that matters, but what's on the inside. I know it sounds corny, but it's true and really makes all the difference when you come to that conclusion. I myself would always compare myself to other people around me and I would always feel bad when I thought of how a certain girl has a better body then me or more guys like her, so therefore I'm not good enough. However, I finally realized that this was not true and that I am good enough and unique and special in my own way...just as you are when it comes to qualities that you possess. One way to feel better about yourself in general is to focus on the things you do well; that will likely give you confidence and you may find you like what you see in the mirror a little more! Even though you say you dont want to talk to anyone about it, it really will help you get all of your feelings off your chest and explore the reasons around why you feel the way you do and what you can do about it. Think about opening up to a friend, teacher, or counselor you trust. I hope you are feeling better soon and remember that you are of value as a person and wonderful in your own way.
--Joy, IML Mentor

Alena,
It's natural to compare yourself to a sister all the time, especially if she's older. Try not to feel bad about your feelings, but I think sharing them with someone else will help you cope with them better. I know how you feel about the whole mirror thing; mirrors can be your worst enemy sometimesbut you know they shouldn't be because mirrors only tell you a little thing about you. The other thing is, if you're really feeling bad about yourself it would be good to talk to people like friends or counselors because I'm sure there are lots of things about you that are beautiful and wonderful that you don't even realize. Sometimes when other people look at you they see you totally different than you see yourself, and hearing their feedback will help you see how great you are. I know it's hard not to compare yourself to your sister, but keep this in mind: You two will never be the same person, there will be great things about both of you, and you probably have at least one quality she wishes she had too. Try to talk your feelings out and don't be ashamed at all. This is something a lot of us go through and if you don't take care of it, it could get worse instead of better.
--Stormie, IML Mentor

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