Advice Questions about Feeling Down:

• For the past couple of weeks, I've been bruising myself. I'm so sad, and it feels like it helps. I keep trying to stop, but whenever I get really depressed it starts all over again. I don't want to tell anyone, because they'd treat me different, and they'd want me to go on anti-depression drugs, and want me to go see a shrink, and I don't want to go within 100 feet of either of them. What do I do?

• My dog passed away a week ago. She got hit by a car and she was only 1 year old. I'm devastated because she was mostly mine. I cried for 2 days straight. Then I cry here and there randomly and it REALLY hurts. I feel so alone and I don't know who to talk to. I talked to the school counselor but now I feel ten times worse. I'm so alone. It feels so weird without her and without a pet. PLEASE help me!

• My mom is making me switch schools. The school I’m at now isn't very nice but the one my mom is making me go to is a lot nicer. I want to go there but I will miss my friends. I want to graduate with my friends and classmates that have been there with me for 6 years. Is there anything I can do? Please help me. I am really sad.

• I always have nothing to do at my house. It's either going online talking with my friends or just watching TV. Are there any fun activities that I can do IN my house?

• My older brother has left for Iraq and my older sister, who Im really close to, has left for Texas. I feel so sad because I have no one to look up to. When Ive had problems I would tell them and they would give me great advice. But now that theyre not here I feel sad and cry a lot because I cant handle all the stress everybody is putting on me. I dont know what to doIm so confused and so hurt inside!

• I feel like I am really ugly. My older sister always gets all the guys. And nobody likes me. I hate going into the bathroom because there is a mirror in there, and every time I look at the mirror I feel even worse. Every time I look at it, I start to cry a bit, but I have learned how to push tears back now. I dont want to tell anyone, though. I just want to feel better about myself.

• I'm really depressed! I just moved from my home in Massachusetts to California, and I'm still getting adjusted. All my friends here don't get me, and my friends in Massachusetts understand, but it's hard to keep in contact because of the time difference. I have headaches all the time, and I'm always really depressed now. I'm not that smart, pretty, or athletic, and the guy I have a crush on in school thinks I'm 'funny.' What should I do?

• I haven't been thinking straight lately. I'm 11 years old and turning 12 soon. I'm very afraid of growing up and facing hard challenges. I don't know what to do. I'm turning into a nervous wreck. What do I do?

• I am in eighth grade and recently I am having a lot of trouble with choosing a career. It is difficult for me because I am naturally good at a vast majority of things. I also just went through a depression and I am struggling with a lot of things at the moment. Can you possibly help?

• My grandma just recently died, and I didn't notice how much I missed her until she passed away. I want to do something that will make her be remembered by everybody, but I don't know what to do. Have you got any advice?

• My room is always a pig sty! What can I do to keep my room clean and have fun at the same time?

• My dad and I both want me to play guitar. I was really excited to start playing it and the first day, I was enjoying it. Then came the next day and I said, Ill practice tomorrow The next day I said the same thing, and the next day, and the next day! I get so stressed out because I know that I should practice and I want to practice, but it just doesnt happen. Im afraid to tell my dad because the first time I was playing he said, I hope this isnt something youre just gonna throw away because you got bored, you have to be committed, and I said, Okay. Im afraid he'll be disappointed with me. Its my fault too, because I spend most of my day playing games on the computer watching TV, or playing video games with my friends. I just dont know what to do because Im never ever committed to anything. Please, Im in desperate need of advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• In books and movies, I have a weird tendency to like the villain better than the hero. Is this unusual? Also, does that make ME a villain?

• Today my dog died. He's been with me my whole life and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. He was a black Lab and never hurt a fly. He was in pain and died this morning at 5:30 a.m. He was 100 years old in people years but IML, I don't know how to get over it! Can you help me?

• It seems like anything I do is never enough. I get straight A's except one B all year, so I don't get honor roll. I get an awesome time when running track, but so did 6 other people, so I don't get recognized for it. I've worked hard all year with my friends in every honors class, but I'm still average. I work as hard as possible, and the teacher can see it so she grades harder and I still don't get a 100. I know there's always going to be someone better and my accomplishments won't matter. This may sound dumb, but it's how I feel when award ceremonies come around and I don't get anything from anything I do.

• Im a triplet, but Ive just been downsized to a twin. My sister died a month ago, and its been really hard on me and my twin brother. We try to talk a lot, but its really hard, because we feel so guilty. It should have been one of us that died because my sister was the strongest triplet. I hate myself for not being the one who died, because she died of a heart complication that I might have too. I dont want to hang with friends or even have fun at all because I feel so guilty.

• OK, I am a girl and all, but I am a total...well, I guess a tomboy. I read the same comics that every boy at school does. I have the tomboyish clothes, too. I dont try being like this, it just comes naturally. But I find myself hiding that fact, and I don't even know why! Like at school, I talk 'girlier' than my real voice, dress preppier, talk about more girly stuff, and hang out more with girls when I have many male friends! WHY?

• I am 11 and for almost a year I am scared to spend the night away from home. At first, I wouldn't even leave the house without my mom, then I got a little better. I would go with my brothers and sisters and then finally after a while, I would go places without my mom. But I am still scared to stay the night at a friend's house. I get worried that I'm gonna miss my mom or my home. A lot of times I think, 'Okay, I'm gonna stay now,' but I never do. Please help me!!! Will I ever get over it? Can you give me step-by-step tips on how I can improve it? Please help.

• Ever since we got robbed I never want to stay home alone, but now I have to do it a lot! I'm still a little scared about freaky noises! When my brothers see that, they think theres something wrong so they get scared too. Ive mostly gotten over my fear, but sometimes my brothers say to my Mom that they hate staying alone with me, and that makes me look like a bad babysitter. What do I do?

• I hate growing up! It is so difficult. Having all of these social problems, changing...ugh! I have also been having serious stress. I ache and I am tired. Maybe from schoolwork and friends, I dont know. What is the best way to deal with growing up? How can you make it easier?

• I'm so annoyed at school and at home because of my 'perfect at everything' best friend. She's the smartest kid in the grade, good at sports, can play the violin, flute and piano really well, and very creative at everything. But when she gets a 94% quiz back, she says she did a horrible job at it and that I probably got better than her when she knows I didn't. I feel like I have no friends and what makes it worse is that my little sister is sooooo popular, even though she's only in 5th grade, got asked out 8 times, is perfect, and makes fun of me. I am soooo depressed and feel like an ugly, stupid, not-good-at-anything kind of person with no friends.

• "I'm feeling really stupid these days. I've been trying really hard in school, but I'm not doing well. My parents are disappointed in me and I don't want them to think I'm dumb. My sister is really smart and that makes it even worse. I don't know what to do to feel better."

• "Lately, Ive been sad a lot...Im just having a lot of pain and sometimes, I have thoughts about hurting myself in some way."

Dear IML,
In books and movies, I have a weird tendency to like the villain better than the hero. Is this unusual? Also, does that make ME a villain?
--MissYori

Dear MissYori,
I admit, I don't really feel the same way as you, but I don't think preferring a villain to a hero in stories makes you a bad person! The truth is, when you think about it, doesn't it kind of make sense to at least feel sorry for the villain? I mean, a villain is usually some poor, messed up person, with SERIOUS issues, and most of the heroes are close to perfect, overcoming all of their personal and physical woes to just be well...super. Maybe you just personally relate to the less-than-perfect aspect of the villain. I think most people would! The whole villain/hero thing ultimately comes down to who's smarter or stronger or who has more self-control. I think that rooting for someone weaker is just kind of human nature. Who doesn't feel like they're the one who's not good enough to beat the hero sometimes? It's totally natural, and I don't think you have to worry at all.
--Stormie, IML Mentor

Hey MissYori,
I actually think this is compassionate of you and completely acceptable! It seems to me that in movies, TV shows, and even cartoons the good guys always win. I think you feel sympathy for the underdog. Like Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner, we know how it ends; the coyote will NEVER win. Would it hurt to let him win just once? I think it is natural to feel sorry for the bad guys simply because their efforts are unrealized. I think it is natural for us as humans to want people to succeed. It would be unusual if we'd root for failure. Wanting success for the underdog does not make you a villain. However, I think it is important for you to realize that in life there is always going to be winners and losers. Sometimes even if we try our best at something we're still not going to get 1st place. At that point we have to realize that what makes someone a winner is not the color of the ribbon but their hard work and perseverance. If we think of it that way, then the only losers are the people who never try. Then the villains are no longer the underdogs.
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
Today my dog died. He's been with me my whole life and I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. He was a black Lab and never hurt a fly. He was in pain and died this morning at 5:30 a.m. He was 100 years old in people years but IML, I don't know how to get over it! Can you help me?
--Haley

Hey Haley--
I know how you feel; we recently had to put my cat down because she was sick. It really was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. It's hard to find people to sympathize with you unless they've gone through the same experience: people fail to realize that pets do actually become part of the family, and even if they can't talk and do other human things, there is a strong bond between owner and animal. I loved my cat so much, but I know that it would have been selfish of me to make her stay with me when she was in so much pain. If your dog had been with you your whole life, you probably have a few pictures of you two together. Try scrapbooking so you can remember him in pictures. On the scrapbook pages, write funny things you remember about your dog. My cat drank out of water faucets and lay on her back when she napped; think of some things like that that remind you of your pet. Some people may suggest getting a new pet, but don't feel like that will be a quick fix. You may not be ready for a new animal for a long time. You might not stop missing your dog, but over time, it won't hurt as much. And don't be afraid to grieve or cry when you need to! After all, it's the natural thing to do when you lose a part of your family.
--Lauren, IML Mentor

Dear Haley,
I am sorry to learn your dog died. A couple of years ago my sister's dog, Perdie, died of cancer. Marissa loves animals and was more attached to her dog than to me, really. For a while after Perdie died, Marissa was depressed. She would be very quiet one moment and the next she would be crying. We had to get her out of her slump and help her be happy. We talked. We talked about the time Marissa was small enough to ride Perdie like a horse, and about the time Perdie jumped in the bathtub with Marissa (it was disgusting, but Marissa was only 4 years old and she loved it!). We tried to get Marissa to appreciate the times she had with Perdie, rather than regretting time that was not spent. Marissa keeps Perdie's dog tag in her sock drawer. Every morning (well just about every morning) when Marissa goes to fish out a fresh pair of socks, Perdie is there. Haley, talk about your happy experiences with your family and remember him together. Don't worry if you don't get over his death right away. It is okay to think about your dog and remember him. However, it is important not to have regrets. I think talking is the best way to grieve.
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

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Dear IML,
It seems like anything I do is never enough. I get straight A's except one B all year, so I don't get honor roll. I get an awesome time when running track, but so did 6 other people, so I don't get recognized for it. I've worked hard all year with my friends in every honors class, but I'm still average. I work as hard as possible, and the teacher can see it so she grades harder and I still don't get a 100. I know there's always going to be someone better and my accomplishments won't matter. This may sound dumb, but it's how I feel when award ceremonies come around and I don't get anything from anything I do.
--Lief, 12

Dear Lief,
I think you're a great achiever already, and I wish you wouldnt beat yourself up about getting others to give you the type of recognition you want. I used to have the same mentality as you, thinking: "I've worked just as hard and I'm just as smart, why am I not the one to get the prizes/awards?" Later, my dad talked to me and helped me understand that the end result is not everything. Instead, it's really important that you've learned during the process of working hard, pushing yourself, and overcoming challenges. If you can, try to just keep track of your own progress and be proud of any personal improvements. And the wonderful thing is, once you lift your eyes off your competitors and focus on yourself, you might start to improve a lot fasterand maybe even get that recognition, eventually! That is what happened to me!
--Joyce, IML Mentor

Hi Lief!
I have a similar issue. I finished high school early but I didnt get a graduation party or any graduation giftsor even cards! It was hard work trying to graduate early but it seemed like nobody noticed. Just last week, some of my cousins graduated from high school and my family went to their ceremony and party. Being there reminded me how none of my work was recognized, and it wasnt like my cousins graduated at the top of their class or anything. So, I brought this matter up with my mom. I told her, I work hard. Possibly harder than those that get recognized for it, and yet I dont get so much as a pat on the back. Its not fair that they had parties and cards and I didnt. I may not be a genius but I worked very hard to graduate early and I didnt even get a congrats! But Vanessa, my mom said, you have to understand that reward is not the recognition. I didnt catch that. Did you? She reiterated, It doesnt matter what others think of your accomplishments it only matters what you think of your accomplishments. You know youve worked very hard to get to where you are now, right? And hard work always pays off. Yeah, well my mom pretty much spelled out delayed gratification. Its natural to feel like we have to have the reward right now, right now, or else we wont understand the worth of our hard work. But if we can just chill out and see exactly where our accomplishments take us, that understanding will come. People like you and me just have to keep up our high standards, ambition, and hard work. If we continue to push ourselves, we will only get better. Dont be too hard on yourself. You know what youve done (and now so do all these kids on IML). You know what greatness you are capable of. Just keep it up and the reward will be ten-fold. Maybe itll come as a $10M house ten years from now. Maybe itll come as the cure for cancer. Maybe itll come as an Olympic gold medal!
--Vanessa, IML Mentor

Dear Lief,
I can completely sympathize. I have often felt average when my hard work goes unrecognized. Although it's great when you do get recognition, it's not a necessity. It's a competitive world out there, and the best you can do is try to rise above it and be happy when you do your personal best. Competition with yourself is a great thing, but competing with other people can be damaging. Try to realize that your hard work and talent in track and school is enough for you, and thats all that matters.
--Samantha, IML Mentor

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