Dear IML,
Im a triplet, but Ive just been downsized to a twin. My sister died a month ago, and its been really hard on me and my twin brother. We try to talk a lot, but its really hard, because we feel so guilty. It should have been one of us that died because my sister was the strongest triplet. I hate myself for not being the one who died, because she died of a heart complication that I might have too. I dont want to hang with friends or even have fun at all because I feel so guilty.
--Kat, 12
From Robin Shlien, M.A., MFT
Dear Kat,
You are not the only person to feel this way. Survivor's guilt, which is
what you are describing, is a normal grief reaction. Grief is the complicated
process we go through when someone we love dies. Other normal grief reactions include sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, fatigue (grief is physical as well as emotional), confusion and disbelief. Its important to understand that
all the feelings you're having, including your guilt and your wish to die,
are NORMAL grief reactions that other people go through when theyre
grieving. Grieving is painful and it takes time. Sometimes feeling guilty allows
us to stay connected to the person we love, hoping that if we feel guilty
enough we can make them come back. Its not your fault that your sister died, and as time passes, youll understand this.
Most people (even adults) find it extremely difficult to talk about death, especially when a child dies. Because of this awkwardness, people who are
grieving feel like no one really understands what they're going through.
You may feel very alone and isolated right now, which may be why you don't feel
like seeing your friends. Luckily, you have your twin brother who knows
exactly what you're going through. Perhaps the two of you can think of some
ways to remember your sister without feeling so guilty. Writing her a letter, or
drawing pictures of her, or of all of you together, might be helpful. Also,
there are lots of books about grieving at the library or in bookstores.
Reading about other people's recovery from grief can be very comforting. Although time will ease your pain, your memory and love for your sister will remain in your heart forever.
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Dear IML,
OK, I am a girl and all, but I am a total...well, I guess a tomboy. I read the same comics that every boy at school does. I have the tomboyish clothes, too. I dont try being like this, it just comes naturally. But I find myself hiding that fact, and I don't even know why! Like at school, I talk 'girlier' than my real voice, dress preppier, talk about more girly stuff, and hang out more with girls when I have many male friends! WHY?
--K, 11
Dear K,
I assure you that there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy. I think you
should learn to feel comfortable about being who you are and be proud of
your uniqueness. At your age, it can be a little awkward to act a little
different from the crowd and difficult to find your own place. Just remember that people should like you for who you are, not for what you appear or pretend to be. It sounds like youre a lively soul and its likely that your friends at school -- boys and girls -- will accept the real you. Some of my friends do dress in boy's clothes and sandals and I think that's perfectly fine. I wear boy's cargo pants, too. The most important thing is what's inside you.
--Joyce, IML Mentor
Dear K,
It sounds like you have been affected by peer pressure (I dont know a single person who hasnt at some time in their life). Its important that you learn to feel you can be yourself without worrying what your friends think of you. Always remember that its okay to be a tomboy, and you shouldnt feel ashamed of it. You shouldnt have to change yourself in order to fit in, although I know you probably feel that fitting is pretty important right now. Be yourself, and your true friends will like you for that.
--Megan, IML Mentor
Dear K,
Theres nothing wrong with being a tomboy. If your friends are truly friends, theyll accept the tomboy and girlie sides of you, because theyre both part of your personality. You shouldnt try to hide who you are. Accept it! You never knowone of your female friends might have a tomboy side, too. I was a tomboy when I was younger, and proud of it. Now I can get along with both guys and girls really well!
--Tiffany, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
I am 11 and for almost a year I am scared to spend the night away from home. At first, I wouldn't even leave the house without my mom, then I got a little better. I would go with my brothers and sisters and then finally after a while, I would go places without my mom. But I am still scared to stay the night at a friend's house. I get worried that I'm gonna miss my mom or my home. A lot of times I think, 'Okay, I'm gonna stay now,' but I never do. Please help me!!! Will I ever get over it? Can you give me step-by-step tips on how I can improve it? Please help.
--Sarah, 11
Dear Sarah,
Don't worry!!!! You're probably just in a phase. I went through it too. I wouldn't leave my moms side for quite a while. In my opinion, there are no real step-by-step instructions to getting over this. It's more like the high dive at a pool: you just have to get to the edge, and jump. Try very hard to stay at your friends all night, but tell your mom your problem, and ask her if it would be all right to call in the middle of the night if you can't get through it. She can always comfort you and try to convince you to stay. Focus on having a real blast with your friend and see if that gets you through.
--Jessica, IML Mentor
Dear Sarah,
It's really hard to get used to sleeping at other people's houses, because it's a scary thing to be out of your comfort zone. It's great that you acknowledge the need to take this step by step, since that's what it's going to take. Have you ever thought about seeing your school counselor? Counselors can be very helpful in trying to help people get over fears and phobias. It could help to have someone guide you through the process, someone you can really talk to. You will get over this fear, but it might take some time. Have you talked to your mom about it? She could have some good ideas, too. Good Luck with everything!
--Jenna, IML Mentor
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Dear IML,
Ever since we got robbed I never want to stay home alone, but now I have to do it a lot! I'm still a little scared about freaky noises! When my brothers see that, they think theres something wrong so they get scared too. Ive mostly gotten over my fear, but sometimes my brothers say to my Mom that they hate staying alone with me, and that makes me look like a bad babysitter. What do I do?
--Annie, 11
From Lyn Turnell, Ed.S., LPC, NCC, NCSC, School Counselor, Canton, Georgia
Dear Annie,
It sounds to me like youre experiencing the type of reaction that some
people (children and adults) have after an extremely stressful or traumatic
event. These events include things such as war, a car accident, a damaging
tornado, a home fire or robbery, or anything else that causes you a great
deal of stress or anxiety. In your case, it may stem from a feeling that you have lost the security of your home because someone was there who shouldn't have been, or you could be grieving the loss of precious things that may have been taken from you.
While you may feel like you have gotten over that, your brothers may still
be having their own reaction to the event or they may be reacting to feelings that youre not aware of in yourself. It's possible that all of you may need some help to heal from the robbery experience.
I encourage you to speak to your mother about what you describe. Share with
her what you've been feeling and that it seemed to start about the time your
house was robbed. Talk to her about any change you've noticed since
everything happened, even if it seems unrelated. See if she can help you
with ideas to make you and your brothers feel safe at home again. Keep in mind that admitting that certain things frighten you doesnt mean youre admitting to being a baby, and what youre feeling doesn't reflect at all on your maturity or ability to care for your brothers when your mom isn't there.
Your mother may wish to talk to your school counselor or pediatrician about
where you and your brothers can get help with healing from this
event. Other places that may have helpful information are your local Red
Cross or United Way. I applaud you for having the courage to recognize that something doesn't seem right, and for asking for help to deal with it. I wish you all the best as you continue to heal from this experience!
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